I have a young family friend who treats me as if I’m invisible (even though she’s known me all of her life) as she’s incensed that I would put out in the public forum family information that is private. I think she’s referring to my father raping me when I was thirteen. I guess I should have kept that private since it causes her such dismay. If I had only kept it private I would not have been able to go through recovery and got my head on straight. Or, I could have made sure even if I went through recovery and became a happy person as opposed to a suicidal person, that I hadn’t started the Lamplighter Movement with 90 chapters in 13 countries or written five books on self-help, four on how to recover from child sexual abuse. I love this young lady. I think she is clever, beautiful, mature, intelligent and self-motivated. At the age of 21 she not only owns her own home, works for an international firm, where she is second in command, is going to college working toward a degree and is engaged to be married to a very nice and good looking man. But I guess I shouldn’t say that because she might read this and wouldn’t want me putting out in the public forum information that is private. So I guess I won’t say that.
I have a granddaughter who is 17. She also is gorgeous, has a captivating personality and is a natural with a camera. I put her on the cover of one of my self-help books. She was not amused. Her comment? “Is that another of your yucky sex books?” I assured her it wasn’t.
When I first started recovery my best friend Peggy asked me if I thought what my father had told me about our incestuous relationship was true. I told her no, of course not. He’s Catholic!” My doctor had asked me repeatedly through the years if my father had ever sexually abused me. I always told him an emphatic no. Just the thought was so disgusting, so sleazy; it made me want to throw up. That was my attitude towards child sexual abuse even when I was in my forties. So I can’t fault my young friends. It is still disgusting. How can I expect others to understand something that was beyond even my own comprehension?
But I had to face something that was beyond yucky if I wanted to get well.
So many people are horrified at even the thought of a father having sex with his daughter that they either refuse to believe it is true, blame it on the daughter or cover their ears so they don’t have to hear anything more about that yucky sex stuff. How are we ever going to get a handle on this world wide problem if the majority of people don’t want to even hear about it? Don’t they think we wish it had never happened to us? The same people who don’t want to hear about it have no problem watching graphic sex scenes and realistic violence in movies. What does that tell us? I receive emails and phone calls by the hundreds from people all over the world illustrating the torment they are going through as a result of child sexual abuse. I don’t want to hear it. It’s too awful to contemplate. But I have to hear it. How can I help them if I don’t listen? How can any of them be saved if we look upon it as that yucky sex stuff and turn our backs. I wish with all my heart that my father and I had had a normal relationship. I wish all of the millions of children who are currently being sexually abused could instantly be with me and I would forever keep them safe. I wish there were no such thing as a child sexual offender. I don’t get my wish. All I can do is keep plugging along, trying to make a difference, trying to understand why people don’t want to hear about that yucky sex stuff and pray that one day they will.
