Years ago I did my weekly shopping at a certain supermarket, each week running into the mother of one of my son’s friends. Each week the conversation was similar. I would ask her how she was doing and she would tell me, spending the better part of an hour ranting and raving about all of the negative attributes and behavior patterns that her husband had which were not only considerable but punitive. I listened sympathetically for the first few minutes and then put her on automatic drone while I beat myself up for even asking her how she was doing. Periodically I’d recommend counseling, a separation or even the drastic measure of a divorce.
When I finally walked away, drained emotionally, I’d promise myself to find a new supermarket. This dance went on for months. One day it dawned on me. This lady liked being a victim. I wasn’t going to change her and by listening sympathetically and offering advice all I was doing was encouraging her to continue her victimization harangue. No matter how sound my advice was, she wasn’t going to take it. She was used to playing the victim too much. It was the coat that she wore. I changed supermarkets.
It is easy to fall into a way of life that speaks of victimization. Once you arrive there it is difficult to climb out of. Being a victim brings us certain rewards. We finally get heard. We are the center of attention. We develop a sort of, “I told you so” attitude when our abuse becomes worse. It grows ‘by littles’. One day we are merely giving our power away in small doses with almost muffled protestations, “But I like this blouse” or maybe, “What’s wrong with going to the movies?”, or even yet, “Why can’t I talk to my brother on the phone?” Before we know it we have fallen into a deep hole where crawling out of it becomes impossible. In giving our power to another we also increase our perpetrator’s ability to bring pain into our life on an even higher level. We become numb and weak with impotence. There is something about standing up for ourselves that is terrifying. If our abuser is physically violent we are obedient because we don’t want the pain. If our abuser threatens our children, we do what we are told so as to protect them. If we are filled with shame, as is the case of someone who was sexually abused as a child, we are a perfect target for verbal abuse, someone hammering on us about a past indiscretion we might have committed.
In hinting at what we are going through when talking to a friend we hope they will see that what they are hearing is but the tip of the iceberg. We crave someone to rescue us, to ride up on a white horse and whisk us off to a safe place. Phrases like, “Stop that!”, “You can’t tell me what to do”, or “No, I’m not going to do that” are frightening. We know that if we utter them whatever we are going through will only become worse. Every time we agree by being obedient, we weaken ourselves. It is as if we say to our abuser, “I have no power”, “I am nothing,” and especially, “You can do whatever you want to me”. No wonder we drone on about our victimization. If someone tells us, “Fight back”, “Go to a counselor” or “Just say no” they are giving us advice that we are incapable of acting on.
But it is always the first step that is the hardest. In my case, I found a sweat shirt that said, “What part of no don’t you understand.” Wearing it was one of the most audacious actions I’ve ever taken. The first time I wore it my abuser said, “Why are you wearing that?”, “Because I can”, was my response.” It was a response that took every bit of courage I had left. It was the beginning of regaining my power and becoming Victorious instead of being a Victim.
One day you tell your abuser that you are seeing a counselor. They won’t like that. Keeping silent about your abuse is one of their primary rules. They know that if you are going to a counselor the jig is up. Little by little you discover that you have finally found someone who is riding up on a white horse to rescue you. That person is you. On a daily basis you find ways to regain your power. I know because that happened to me. To find out what I did to stop my abuse read, “REPAIR Your Life, A Program for Recovery from Incest & Child Sexual Abuse.” Begin the program. One day, when you meet someone in the supermarket who you previously imposed a list of your pains on; instead you now talk about how much you like your new job, an upcoming vacation, a movie you saw and other healthy experiences. Good luck! Contact me if you need help at Margie@thelamplighters.org
