A few years ago, I was dating a man who had a young daughter around the age of 3 or 4. She was delightful to be around, outgoing and friendly and full of giggles. Her father adored her and proudly displayed her cute little personality wherever we went. One day my family and my friend and his daughter were at a public park in the Los Angeles area having a picnic. When we finished eating, his daughter got up and started wandering around. Other people filled the park and my friend’s daughter was wandering from one to another while he watched her.
A man who looked to my “having gone through recovery” eyes like the caricature of a child molester was sitting on a picnic bench by himself watching my friend’s little daughter. He was overweight and had a large belly that hung over his belt and a pant zipper that was half way undone. My friend’s daughter headed right for him and he, encouraging her to come, put his arms out and made cutsie noises. He patted his overweight leg and reached down to pick her up and put her on his lap. I looked with alarm at my friend and was dismayed to see the proud, “Isn’t she the cutest thing you ever saw” look on his face. The man was hugging the little girl and sharing child gibberish with him. My friend did nothing but look over at me and say, “Isn’t it cute that she’s so friendly?” I immediately hurried over, grabbed his little girl off the man’s lap and much to the dismay of my friend glared at the man on the park bench.
We had a rather heated discussion on boundaries for his daughter. He thought I was over-reacting and way out of line. I thought he wasn’t using his head and was setting his daughter up for future problems. The relationship only lasted about a year before I ended it, not because he wasn’t a nice guy; he was, but because we had differences in personal integrity He’s the only one I ever broke up with who asked if I could give him a notice; maybe a month or so for him to get used to the idea. I thought that was ridiculous and we parted friends. I think of him and his daughter periodically and wonder if she ever got into any problems because of his inability to see boundary setting as an important asset in a child’s life.
Those of us who have been sexually violated as a young person, unless we go through recovery don’t understand that we pass characteristics on to our children that set them up to be sexually violated as well. If we have been through recovery, we fully understand the dangers that are out there and if we care about our child, we make sure they get an education on how to protect themselves.
King County Sexual Assault Resource Center in Renton, WA publishes a small pamphlet called, “he told me not to tell, A parents’ guide to talking to children about sexual assault”. Their phone number is 425.226.5062 and if you give them a call, they will be happy to mail you a free copy of the booklet. It is an excellent resource in how to protect your child from any sexual assaults. I highly recommend getting one.
Our children are the greatest asset we have for our future. Keep them safe; keep them knowledgeable about what is out in the world that they need to avoid. It is my opinion that all schools should have a class in Kindergarten on how to set boundaries and how to protect yourself that every child should take. So far, that hasn’t happened but it is my biggest hope that one day they will.
