I have always shot from the hip, a bad idea. It started when I was a kid and began questioning my parents. They saw that as disrespectful and the punishment meant I got my mouth washed out with soap a lot. Before that, I had to stand in a corner where I sobbed my heart out over the unfairness of it all. That just mean I got to wash the wall upon which I cried all of my anger at the humiliating treatment. My siblings, all terrified of my patriarchal father kept their mouths shut. They obviously had more wisdom than I did. After I had become an adult a family friend said that it amazed her how I never cowered, that I always fought back.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t feel that way at the time. I was in that \u201cwhatever come into your mind, goes out of your mouth\u201dmode. Later on, my parents accelerating my punishment to beatings with a belt, somehow related to my father coming into my room in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n
You\u2019d think by now I\u2019d have learned. I\u2019m doing better but I\u2019m not there yet. Survivors of child sexual abuse usually react to incidents happening in their life. Responding, which would require taking a deep breath, counting to ten and then saying something like, \u201ccan I get back to you on that?\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way; perhaps we could discuss it\u201d or \u201ccall me back when you\u2019re feeling better,\u201d doesn\u2019t seem to be available.<\/p>\n
Webster doesn\u2019t clearly show the difference in the two words but there is a difference. Both words mean to reply to someone. But react is shooting from the hip, no thought given to what is the wise thing to say. It is usually governed by emotions. It is much more satisfying when someone says something we don\u2019t want to hear to blast them. \u00a0With thought, meaning tapping into wisdom, we can make a more appropriate reply. One is governed by fear or rage and the other is governed by a need to know all the facts, time to sort through them and then to reply in a measured tone.<\/p>\n
This is not to say that fear is in some situations not only appropriate but needed. You find a prowler in your living room when you come home. You\u2019re not going to say, \u201cCan I help you?\u201d You are going to shriek your head off, grab your cell phone and dial 911. \u00a0Anger is also sometimes appropriate. Someone steals your purse. Rage prompts you to holler, \u201cstop that man; he stole my purse.\u201d Perhaps in that case the anger you felt caused someone to trip the thief and grab your purse back.<\/p>\n
Patriarchy\u00a0is a social system in which males hold primary power, predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property; in the domain of the\u00a0family, fathers or father-figures hold authority over women and children. Child sexual abuse is often found in patriarchal families. It bears its roots as far back as Genesis. It\u2019s no surprise that most patriarchal families are also religiously regimented. Man was created first; that means he\u2019s the authority. Women were made from his rib and as such is to be obedient to her husband. \u00a0As per Rachel Held Evens\u2019 blog from March 14, 2014, \u201cStudy after study shows that societies characterized by the subjugation of women are more violent, more impoverished, and more unjust than societies that empower women.<\/em>\u201d<\/strong> \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Matriarchal social systems have the same description and results except that it is powered by a female, the mother. In a perfect world, marriages should be a joint social system, not a traditional one.<\/p>\n Two of the prominent red flags for child sexual abuse are patriarchal (or matriarchal) family systems and religiously regimented households. A child raised in such a household either shoots from the hip or cowers in the corner. They don\u2019t know any other way. It wouldn\u2019t matter. If I had calmly told my parents that I didn\u2019t appreciate being treated the way I was and wanted them to stop (which I did at the age of 18) it would have earned me a beating with my dad\u2019s belt until I was unconscious (which it did, prompting me to run away from home a week later).<\/p>\n Once you complete a program of recovery you will understand the wisdom of learning to respond, not react. You can\u2019t reach that point overnight. Recovery is a complex and difficult road but the rewards at the end are amazing.\u00a0 In Repair Your Life<\/em> I write:<\/p>\n Recovery is a like a bridge that you need to cross to change your life.\u00a0 In REPAIR the bridge is used as a visualization tool.\u00a0 On one side are those things destroying you.\u00a0 If you turn back, depression, loneliness, despair, suicidal tendencies, addictions, shame-based low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment await you.\u00a0 The list is endless. <\/em><\/p>\n On the other side is all the good stuff.\u00a0 There you will find peace, healthy choices, strong self-esteem, a feeling of being centered and capable.\u00a0 There you will find joy.\u00a0 Imagine a life free from pain and emotional instability; a life where waking each morning brings happy anticipation rather than dread; a life where you can stop waiting for someone to rescue you and begin to rescue yourself. \u00a0All you have to do is keep moving across that bridge.\u00a0 At some point in your recovery you will learn that, like a carrot on a stick, the other side of the bridge beckons and you will no longer be tempted to turn back<\/em><\/p>\n Where would you rather be, living a life of anguish and abuse or standing on that bridge getting ready to cross that bridge?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n