When I was in recovery despite working a program I had devised that was to be called later REPAIR, I still felt the need for something else. I had all of John Bradshaw\u2019s tapes on my fingertips, I was going regularly to weekly meetings called Alternatives to Domestic Violence and I read voraciously any books I heard about that guaranteed I\u2019d get well. I was still floundering.<\/p>\n
I was fighting a war on two fronts as my boss had attempted to coerce me into an affair. He had even left his wife and set up a bachelor pad thinking I\u2019d be a willing partner. When I told him a defiant no he became angry and began his abuse. After several weeks of his verbal and emotional abuse, his threats to give me a bad Annual Evaluation if I didn\u2019t comply with his sexual requests and especially the two times when he came at me with his fists raised only to be restrained by a co-worker I began a Sexual Harassment suit against him. I didn\u2019t want to. I had always liked my boss and we had a great working relationship. I was his Administrative Assistant but my duties including not only keeping is calendar up to date, but preparing presentations for him at high level meetings, reminding him to send flowers to his mother and so on. In short I was his right hand man. He didn\u2019t want to lose me but I\u2019d had it. During the beginnings of the sexual harassment suit I tried to transfer to another department. My boss had made good his threat to give me a bad evaluation and no one would touch me. To make matters worse my co-workers were questioned about his treatment towards me. He threatened each of them separately that if they supported my evidence he would fire them. One by one they sadly told me they couldn\u2019t afford to lose their jobs.<\/p>\n
At home I was living with a sadistic, brutal sociopath and at work with a boss who had begged me to drop my suit. When I wouldn\u2019t he began planting evidence that would damn me and cost me my job and the suit. Every day felt like a battle as verbal abuse at work accelerated and at home a husband who had found out what was happening at work blamed me. He found new and more punitive ways to punish me for what he thought I was doing. Now every day he thought my clothes were too sexy, told me I was not allowed to bend over in front of any men, harassed me about phone calls with my brother, insinuating that we had an incestuous relationship and continued his several times a day brutal rapes. I felt like I was losing my mind and fought the urge to commit suicide.<\/p>\n
I was in too deep to survive. My friend Peggy, who was married to a cheat and a cocaine user, and I decided to go to something called Codependents Anonymous. I had never heard of it but was desperate for more help. After the first meeting as we were driving home she said, \u201cI think being a co-dependent is noble\u201d. My words were, \u201chow did they find me?\u201d I had soon added two nights a week of codependent meetings\u00a0Codependents Anonymous. They were a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose was to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership was a desire for healthy and loving relationships.\u00a0That was me. Every relationship I\u2019d had had become dysfunctional in some way. It looked too easy. I couldn\u2019t just snap my fingers and force my husband to become healthy and loving on a continuous basis. I learned in no time that I was part of the problem.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Here is a list of what I learned through co-dependence anonymous:
\nCodependents often. . . :
\nDenial Patterns
\n\u2022 have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
\n\u2022 minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
\n\u2022 perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
\n\u2022 lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
\n\u2022 label others with their negative traits.
\n\u2022 think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
\n\u2022 mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
\n\u2022 express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
\n\u2022 do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.<\/p>\n
Low Self-esteem Patterns
\nCodependents often. . . :
\n\u2022 have difficulty making decisions.
\n\u2022 judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
\n\u2022 are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
\n\u2022 value others\u2019 approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
\n\u2022 do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
\n\u2022 seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
\n\u2022 have difficulty admitting a mistake.
\n\u2022 need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
\n\u2022 are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
\n\u2022 perceive themselves as superior to others.
\n\u2022 look to others to provide their sense of safety.
\n\u2022 have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
\n\u2022 have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.<\/p>\n
Compliance Patterns
\nCodependents often. . . :
\n\u2022 are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
\n\u2022 compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
\n\u2022 put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
\n\u2022 are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
\n\u2022 are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
\n\u2022 accept sexual attention when they want love.
\n\u2022 make decisions without regard to the consequences.
\n\u2022 give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.<\/p>\n
Control Patterns
\nCodependents often. . . :
\n\u2022 believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
\n\u2022 attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
\n\u2022 freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
\n\u2022 become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
\n\u2022 lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
\n\u2022 use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
\n\u2022 have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
\n\u2022 demand that their needs be met by others.
\n\u2022 use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
\n\u2022 use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
\n\u2022 refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
\n\u2022 adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
\n\u2022 use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
\n\u2022 pretend to agree with others to get what they want.<\/p>\n
Avoidance Patterns
\nCodependents often. . . :
\n\u2022 act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
\n\u2022 judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
\n\u2022 avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
\n\u2022 allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
\n\u2022 use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
\n\u2022 diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
\n\u2022 suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
\n\u2022 pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
\n\u2022 refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.
\n\u2022 believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
\n\u2022 withhold expressions of appreciation.<\/p>\n
After three years of working a rigorous and honest 12 step program, along with my REPAIR program I got rid of my abuser and became the happiest person I know. I wish everyone went through a 12 step program. There are meetings for every need: weight watchers, smokers, sexual addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and one called Alanon which is for friends and families of family drinkers. And there is more\u2026\u2026\u2026.prowl the Internet. There is a wealth of information waiting for you. Get started!!Become the happiest person you know.<\/p>\n