{"id":5392,"date":"2015-08-23T20:47:28","date_gmt":"2015-08-23T20:47:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thelamplighters.org\/llblog01\/?p=5392"},"modified":"2015-08-23T20:47:28","modified_gmt":"2015-08-23T20:47:28","slug":"shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thelamplighters.org\/llblog01\/shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

I want to write a few word here from my book, Repair Your Life.\u00a0 <\/em>It is regarding one of the worst of the repercussions we suffered as a result of our child sexual abuse.<\/p>\n

While you are in recovery, you will hear a lot about shame, that feeling of humiliation that stems from guilt.\u00a0 There are two different kinds of shame:\u00a0 healthy and unhealthy.\u00a0 Healthy shame, a result of our own actions, is a positive motivator.\u00a0 If you badmouth a friend in a moment of anger, the guilt prompts shame\u00a0 which brings about a need for restitution and a restructuring of what you discuss.\u00a0 When you work your way through the Twelve Steps you will learn how to deal with healthy shame without feeling less of a person.\u00a0 As time goes on you will see healthy shame as a valuable tool for removing negativity.\u00a0 In addition, it will give you the courage to face many day-to-day situations which used to cause you embarrassment.\u00a0 When combined with courage and assertive-ness, it brings great strides in your confidence as well as the growth of your soul.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unhealthy shame, on the other hand, is that secret part of us that feels such low self-worth we become immobilized.\u00a0\u00a0 No other word so aptly describes the one attribute that keeps child sexual abuse secret.\u00a0 This kind of shame is the direct result of other people’s actions.\u00a0 As is usually the case, when dealing with the action of another, this one is more difficult to overcome and more painful.\u00a0 Instead of adjusting our behavior patterns to keep an uncomfortable event from repeating, we have to depend on an adjustment in others.\u00a0 Sometimes modifying our behavior will generate that adjustment, causing the shame to pass.\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shame caused by sexual abuse does not pass that easily.\u00a0 Upon that original shame we build years of additional shame, locking it into that closet in our minds, until the burden becomes unbearable.\u00a0 Trying to live a healthy life while you are buried in shame is impossible.\u00a0 That shame is the infection that needs to be lanced.\u00a0 When someone belittles us in public or rebuffs a kindness in front of co-workers, shame crawls like a physical discomfort over our body.\u00a0 It tells something about them, not about us.\u00a0 However, untreated sexual abuse victims have such low self-worth that they are unable to see this.\u00a0 Once recovery is completed, your response to such actions comes from a place of strong self-esteem.\u00a0 You will be able to foil such opponents with “I” statements such as “I’m sorry you feel that way.\u00a0 Perhaps we can talk privately once you are feeling better.”\u00a0 The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.\u00a0 Eventually you will almost welcome any challenge to your ability to turn a negative comment or action into a positive response.\u00a0 The resultant feeling of confidence empowers you.\u00a0 Personal power is one of the primary purposes of recovery.\u00a0 With that one quality you can be and do anything you want.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Make a list of your shame, all those things you’ve done over the years that weigh heavily on your shoulders.\u00a0 Once you enter a Twelve Step Program, you will be doing this in more detail.\u00a0 Don’t just list the things you did, list what others have done to you.\u00a0 This exercise is to get your feet wet and begin seeing the results of what happened to you when you were younger.\u00a0 Mostly, it is an attempt to see the truth.\u00a0 Armed with this you can begin making quantum leaps in self-confidence.<\/em><\/p>\n

I found, while I was in recovery, that making a list of my shame was a horrendous task.\u00a0 Once I had completed this \u201cfearless and moral inventory\u201d as I worked my way through Codependents Anonymous I knew, as per Step Five that I needed to \u201cadmit to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.\u201d How could I possibly bare my soul by sharing with another human my many wrongs. The list was several pages long for I had decided to be brutally honest and leave no stone unturned. \u00a0I cringed every time I looked at it. It took me months to find my courage and share my list with a counselor I was seeing at the time. She forced me to take a hard look at not only this list but the list I had done of what others had done to me. Once she pointed out that almost everything on my moral inventory happened as the result of my father brutally raping me when I was thirteen, initiating five years of hell, ending only when I ran away from home, I saw that I bore little responsibility in my long list of wrongs. I could lay them all at my father\u2019s feet.<\/p>\n

They say that confession is good for the soul. It is. Try it.<\/p>\n

For more information on my book, Repair Your Life, please see amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com<\/p>\n