The firm adherence to a code, integrity, is hard to come by in today\u2019s world. When I was growing up the punishment for lying was eating soap, the punishment for tattling was standing in a corner, you never dared steal anything or you\u2019d go to bed without supper after returning the stolen item and in case you had any ideas of being disrespectful to the elderly, not doing your chores or your homework or arguing with a sibling you still had to face Confession time with Father Sudbeck at St. John the Baptist church after mom and dad came up with new and better punishments at home.
\nBased on all of this we didn\u2019t dare do anything that compromised our integrity. I never lied, stole anything, was disrespectful to an adult or did any of the other things listed above, not because I was afraid of Father Sudbeck but because I knew it was the right thing to do. By the age of seven I had a built in \u201cintegrity manager\u201d. The only thing I can remember doing wrong was pulling my sister\u2019s hair when her behavior made me crazy. That was neatly taken care of by five Our Fathers and three Hail Marys.<\/p>\n
Then my father entered my bedroom in the middle of the night and all bets were off. That single night set off the theft of the integrity of my soul. Until I got in to recovery in my mid-forties I did so many things I was ashamed of that I had insufficient courage to go to a priest and confess my many sins. The last time I went the priest tried to seduce me sexually. You can tell by that what area my wrongs were in. I used to say (half jokingly) that if you took sex out of my life I\u2019d be a perfect person. That was because I still didn\u2019t lie or steal or show disrespect to the elderly etc. It\u2019s amazing how getting brutally raped as a child can cause the integrity of your soul to vanish overnight. Somehow you have only a vague memory of what it feels like to have no shame.<\/p>\n
The integrity of the soul is vital. It is the only thing we have of any importance. Without it we are lost, wandering in the darkness, certain that we are no good. How can we face life without the strength that the integrity of the soul can give us? Integrity of the soul is like a shield we carry in front of us, shiny and silvery and certain to fend off any temptations, any ideas about traveling in to the dark and shadowy places that use evil as their shield. <\/p>\n
Having strong integrity of the soul gives you confidence as well as strength. It brings you a good night\u2019s sleep. It brings a certainty that the world is basically a good place to be, that you will be able to make healthy choices, that you can choose whatever path in life you want and you will succeed. Integrity is your guide as well as your compass. It makes you feel grounded and survivors of child sexual abuse need that. So guard your integrity like a jewel. Let no one compromise it or take it away. <\/p>\n
(I\u2019m having surgery tomorrow so if there\u2019s no blog next week it\u2019s because I\u2019m not quite up to it yet. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.)<\/p>\n