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One of the most important things to keep in mind both while you\u2019re in recovery and even before, is to have a strong and healthy support system. The emotions of child sexual abuse victims are fragile. We weren\u2019t trained to make healthy choices when we were growing up; we weren\u2019t taught to have strong boundaries. Once we make the choice to enter a program of recovery (because we\u2019ve had enough of misery and despair) it is necessary to make some decision about who we\u2019re going to let into our lives and who we\u2019re not. If you came from a dysfunctional family (and the majority of child sexual abuse victims did) you may need to spend a limited amount of time with any siblings and parents who are not supportive of what you are going through and\/or don\u2019t believe you when you tell them what happened. The decision to share with family members is a very personal one. You no doubt are aware of which ones would be a help and which ones would be a hindrance. When I began recovery I called both of my older brothers and shared with them about my father initiating an incest relationship with me by raping me in my lower bunk bed when I was 13. Both were shocked, shaken and very angry. Neither doubted for a minute the veracity of my story.\u00a0 My oldest brother was so angry he wanted to go to dad\u2019s grave and dig his body up. For the next five years, while I was going through recovery, they were both extremely supportive.<\/p>\n
My remaining sister (my baby sister had been killed in a car accident when she was twenty-five) called me during those early weeks. We had an on again\/off again relationship and were currently in touch with each other. I told her what had happened. She too was shocked and then said, \u201cI feel like I witnessed it. (she was sleeping on the top bunk) I ran away from home because Dad started going after me next\u201d. Now I had an ally, someone who witnessed it and was supportive of me. We chatted for a while about the situation. The next morning she called me back and said that her husband told her I had made everything up. When I reminded her that she said she had witnessed it and that Dad had gone after her next, she denied ever saying that, again reiterated that I had made the whole thing up and then very angrily hung up. I was devastated; I never again spoke to her about what I was going through.<\/p>\n
If you choose to share your story with a family member (and that might include a cousin, a grandparent, an aunt etc.) and they are not willing to listen and insist you made it up, that person should not be part of your support system. Depending on the nature of your communication with them you have the right to either leave their presence, ask them to leave or hang up the phone. One of the most difficult things I had to learn in recovery was that I had the right to hang up the phone if I was uncomfortable with anyone who was verbally abusive while I was talking to them \u2013 or even if I was speaking to my abuser and he was being manipulative and cruel.\u00a0 I had a sister-in-law who said to me when I was first in recovery, \u201cHe only did it once, didn\u2019t he? So it wasn\u2019t that big a deal.\u201d I told her that my father had confessed we had had an incest relationship in my teen years, indicating more than once although in the beginning I only remembered the one time. It didn\u2019t matter. She was no longer part of my support system.<\/p>\n
When my best friend, Peggy, and I first talked about it she asked, \u201cDo you think your dad really did this?\u201d My quick response was, \u201cOf course not; he was Catholic.\u201d That comment illustrated that I had a long ways to go. When I shared my story with my children two things happened. My son refused to believe it and to this day will tell people I made it up. My three daughters believed it. But a painful episode was brought about because of this. I was at my youngest daughter\u2019s house one day and we were talking about it. She had been raped at gunpoint when she was 17 while working at a fast food restaurant and was very supportive of what I was going through. When I asked her if her older sisters really believed that it had happened to me she replied, \u201cOf course they do mom, especially after what Eddie did to them.\u201d For a moment I felt my heart stop. I stuttered, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Her face became pale. \u201cMom, I thought you knew. Eddie sexually abused both of them when they were little. I\u2019m so sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have said anything.\u201d Eddie was my second husband who I had divorced after eight years of marriage. I was stunned and called both daughters immediately. Both girls admitted to it and in response to my question as to why they hadn\u2019t told me they both said I was going through so much domestic violence issues with him that they didn\u2019t want to add to my burden. I was devastated and spent the next few days crying, overwhelmed with guilt.<\/p>\n
There are great Twelve Step programs available. I worked one with the Codependents Anonymous group I was with. I think everyone should work a Twelve Step program. Your local phone operator will have the phone numbers to the ones nearest you. There is a Twelve Step program for just about every problem, Gamblers Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon (for family of alcoholics), Incest Survivors Anonymous, groups for overweight people for sex addicts and so on. I tried more than one group (not Twelve Step) in the early days of my recovery. One was so abusive that after half a dozen meetings I quit going. I stumbled in to a group called Alternatives to Domestic Violence at the urging of the local United Health group. Once there I listened to each of the women, and there were about a dozen, tell the story of their marriages. At the time I was living with my third abuser and my therapist said that his sadistic tendencies and brutalities were so bad that I would never survive. After listening to each of these stories I said, \u201cYou\u2019re all married to my husband.\u201d I had found a home.<\/p>\n
The support group you choose needs to be just that, supportive. They need to listen, to be there, to believe your story, to help you recover in any way that you need them. If you are in a group and begin to feel uncomfortable, give it six meetings. If you are still uncomfortable, leave. The same goes with family members. They are either with you or they are no longer in your life, at least for the time you are going through recovery. Anyone that tells you, you lied, you need to suck it up, it happened a long time ago so leave it alone, Dad (or mom) would never do that, all you\u2019re doing is stirring up bad family feelings, or any other negative response to this journey you are about to embark on needs to go away.<\/p>\n
If you were preparing for a journey and your suitcase was falling apart, you didn\u2019t have a map so weren\u2019t sure how to get there, weren\u2019t even sure where you were going, had insufficient funds to complete the journey and had a friend who was whiner and complainer going with you would you really want to embark on this journey? Of course not! Be prepared to REPAIR your damage. Allow only supportive family and friends into your healing circle. Anyone else will only undermine your determination.<\/p>\n