I have blogged before about emotional abuse but I need to give some pointers on how to cope with emotional pain, something we all go through during our lifetime at one time or another whether we were abused or not. Before I got into recovery I had several ways of dealing with emotional pain: sobbing for hours, hysterics, chain smoking, rage, drinking, more sex and if all else failed, suicide attempts. Great choices, right. I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019ve managed to live this long since by rights God should have yanked me up a long time ago. Then I went through recovery. God decided I could stay awhile.<\/p>\n
In the last four years I have lost my best friend, Peggy, my grandson, Michael and my older brother, Brian. That\u2019s a lot of emotional pain. How did I deal with these tremendous losses? First, I cried. Then, when I had all the tears out of my system, I talked to God. Since I have a strong belief in the hereafter I\u2019m sure all three of them will greet me after I drop my body. Talking to God helps, no matter what is the cause of your emotional pain.<\/p>\n
Sometimes my memory wanders off into rooms best left not entered. I don\u2019t let it stay long.\u00a0 My rule of thumb is to never dwell on the past unless it is to learn a lesson or remember a joyful memory. (I\u2019m still working on that one.) Never dwell on the future except to make plans or envision goals. This helps me to stay in present time more. Having gone through both the Repair program and a Twelve Step program I\u2019m aware of the benefits of facing all the ghosts, then locking them into a trunk in an attic in your mind.\u00a0Dealing with emotional pain in an unhealthy manner only brings more problems.<\/p>\n
Do I ever think about my childhood abuse? Rarely. Sometimes a picture flashes and then it\u2019s gone. There are times when I can see the benefits to dementia but I\u2019m praying that\u2019s not the road I\u2019m going down. My abuse is part of what made me what I am today. Had I not gone through it I would not have developed the Repair program, I would not have founded The Lamplighter Movement and I would not have written my memoir, I Never Heard A Robin Sing.<\/em> All that has gone before us has had a hand in molding what we have become. So today I try to stay objective about anything that brought me pain. I\u2019ve developed a habit in this regard; I pull away mentally from any painful memory so that it becomes a picture standing by itself with the emotional pain I suffered only a faint scar. If ever I have a problem I\u2019m having difficulty resolving I take a long walk and become my own therapist. Here\u2019s a sample.<\/p>\n (It\u2019s a good thing I only take Guinevere, our Golden Retriever, with me when I take my walk. Anyone watching would think dementia really had hit me.) It goes something like this: Hi Margie, what\u2019s troubling you? <\/em>I\u2019m having a tough time dealing with missing my family (who are all in LA while I\u2019m in northern AZ). They all are so busy with their own lives that I\u2019ve become almost a memory to them. I don\u2019t like that but in today\u2019s age of the Internet, cell phones and other hand held gadgets, mom and grandmothers take a back seat. What can I do? \u00a0Let\u2019s explore the options. Have you tried connecting with them more by phone or texting? <\/em>My kids always respond; the grandkids are too busy. How about next time you go out there setting up specific<\/em> movie or lunch dates with a different grandchild each time you go out?<\/em> That\u2019s an idea. Got any more? Encourage them to come out to Arizona to spend time with you.<\/em> Well, I\u2019ve tried that before and sometimes they do. \u00a0\u00a0Why not try to be philosophical about it?<\/em> Like what? Don\u2019t you think that this is sort of the normal evolution in families? Besides, when you married Tom you knew you\u2019d be moving out of state and wouldn\u2019t be able to see them as often. Try accepting that as part of the price you paid. Everything has a price you know. Perhaps it would be a good idea to accept this but keep texting, inviting and spending separate time with each when you go to LA?<\/em> You\u2019re right. I feel better now. How much do I owe you?<\/p>\n It\u2019s amazing how much wisdom you have that you can tap in to. Here’s some other ideas.<\/p>\n I hope these help. Life is an ongoing experiment in how to make it better. Make yours better.<\/p>\n PS Buy a copy of\u00a0It’s Your Choice, Decisions That Will Change Your Life (we have a book page on it on our website, www.thelamplighters.org)<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n\n