When I was in recovery, I discovered that our emotional maturity stops growing at the age when our abuse began. I first viewed this with disbelief. After giving it much thought I realized that, although I hated to admit it, my emotional maturity level had been stuck at the age of thirteen, the age of my abuse, for many years. I was forty-five at the time so you can imagine my shock. Despite my outgoing personality being perky, smart alecky, full of humor, and earthy, inside I was dying. I was frightened, lived with dark shadows that followed me through my day, felt that I was ugly, suffered from insecurity, made terrible choices, had no confidence and plotted frequent and unsuccessful suicide attempts.<\/p>\n
As I progressed further and further across my Bridge of Recovery working what I later called the REPAIR program, I found that I had to be totally honest about who and what I was. I cringed at the memory of some of my actions with other people. I sat down with Webster to decipher what maturity actually meant and was dismayed that none of the meanings were a part of my day-to-day life. The first definition was \u201cBased on slow and careful consideration\u201d. I had never carefully considered anything. I always reacted, rather than responding. I cringed at the thought of my own immaturity. I wanted desperately to return to former times and redo my actions, not just because I knew what they must look like to other people but because something deep inside me knew that they were contributing to my poor sense of worth.<\/p>\n
Emotional maturity includes being able to make healthy choices. It is difficult to make healthy choices when your emotional level stopped at the age of your abuse. I made knee jerk reactions, that I instantly regretted. I used to watch other people who seemed wise, in control, able, and confident. How did they so easily make choices that were agonizing to me? Even when I knew I was putting my neck in a noose, I did it anyway. I used to feel as if there a giant puppeteer standing over me pulling the large chains that controlled me. While I didn\u2019t always show it, I was usually frightened, nervous and doubtful about the direction my own life was taking. Some actions I justified. I told myself that I didn\u2019t know any better. What kind of excuse is that? I realized that deep inside of me my own inner voices always knew better. Not used to listening to them I plunged ahead, making one unhealthy choice after another, and then wondered how I got into the position I was in.<\/p>\n
As you move through recovery, you will find your inner child growing emotionally as a new-found maturity develops in both of you. The frightened child you once were becomes an adult who is capable of being child-like, but not childish. This change brings great inner strength. You practice setting boundaries. Day after day, week after week, I stood in front of the mirror and said, \u201cNo,\u201d \u201cI\u2019d rather not\u201d, \u201cI\u2019ll get back to your later,\u201d \u201cLet me think about that\u201d, \u201cWhat part of No Don\u2019t you understand?\u201d I even bought a sweatshirt with those last words printed on it. The first time I wore it my abuser asked why. My response, \u201cBecause I can\u201d startled even me. It was the beginning of realizing that I was in charge of my own life.<\/p>\n
I worked a 12-step program simultaneously with my REPAIR program. Step Four where I had to “Make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself” took forever. I agonized for weeks. The therapist I had at the time said I should first make a list of things done to me, then make a list of things I had done and I would see that most of the things I had done that I knew were wrong were because of bad things that had been done too me. That helped a great deal. These programs move at a slow and deliberate pace. Some things you\u2019ll find you need to redo. In the Repair program, one of the things you do is to create a family history. This can prove interesting, even entertaining. Others may not be so easy. That doesn\u2019t mean they aren\u2019t necessary. As you find yourself moving across the Bridge of Recovery, you\u2019ll feel a change. It is that emotional maturity moving through the years trying to catch up with your age in real time.<\/p>\n
It feels pretty good.<\/p>\n